seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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