So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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