On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
