apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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