I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
