I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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