She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk