dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.