Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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