Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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