i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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