Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
