Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I will be naked everywhere
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
