In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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