I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
