and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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