I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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