Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
