Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
