i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
