SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
