Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
