need another drink. this is the easiest way
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
