We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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