I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Randomize
