You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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