Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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