cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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