I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
