My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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