at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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