Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
