I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Randomize
