And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
