grandma shit on top of the toilet
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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