actually, I'm a sock model
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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