just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
