I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize