we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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