i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
