There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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