My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
