Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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