I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
