Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
