my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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