At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
