he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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