I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
