dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
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what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
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I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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