My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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