i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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