so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
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Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
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I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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