after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
