Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
