I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
