just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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