he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I need to stop coming to work sober
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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