if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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